Celebrate endings too!

William Bridges teaches us about three stages of change – endings, neutral zone, and beginnings. One of the ways I’ve come to look at this model is that in order for new things to come into our life, we may have to let some other things go. Nature and the great spiritual traditions also teach us that in order for the new to come in, the old must fade away. Learning to let go has been one of my great lessons in 2010.

My parents were children of the great depression. The cultural teaching this brought into our family life was about scarcity – and holding onto stuff.   We were a typical 60’s middle class family with all the modern conveniences and appliances and a nice house. We lived in the town of a farming community, which had its own sense of history, right next to the General Store, the Baptist Church, and the local bar. We had our own garden from which we ate during summers and canned for winters (and don’t even get me started about the chickens!). We didn’t talk about our problems, inside or outside of the home. Keeping life small, manageable, and contained were characteristics of this period in our family.

As I became an adult and moved into the larger world my paradigm shifted. I went to college, moved into a suburban community, and lived a life that often felt more chaotic than contained. Today I find myself looking back on this timeline, and realizing that this belief of scarcity has stayed with me throughout my life. I’ve been living a pattern of “holding onto”. In some cases it may have been holding onto relationships that needed to transition, holding onto stuff that I didn’t need, or holding onto negative or disappointing experiences.

In this year of learning to let go, I intentionally took myself into “endings” in order to see what new beginnings might present themselves. However, this meant accepting that some things were over. My number one signature strength in the VIA is perseverance. I can hang in there for a really long time with something that is difficult and stressful. So much so that considering letting go is often tantamount to giving up and quitting. In my career, I was often given the harder projects because I could do “the heavy lifting”. This quality of perseverance, as I have come to realize, became an overused strength – and the idea of letting go (of anything) seemed like betrayal.

I decided to examine these beliefs to see how they were or weren’t serving me in this new practice of letting go. In many, many ways it served me well. I can really hang in there with tough situations, projects, and relationships. Many of my relationships are with people who’ve been through some rough things in their lives, and I can really stay with them – even after others have written them off. I can see things through to their completion and hold a positive vision for a successful outcome. I don’t give up on things, people, projects, ideas, commitments, or values even in the face of opposition when I believe in them with my heart.

But this quality of perseverance meant that I might also “hold on” to things that had passed their natural ending. Relationships that were meant to be in my life for a season or a reason – not a lifetime. Projects that an organization may not have been truly committed to seeing through. Emotions that were trying to move me in a direction that became stifled.

Learning to see endings as a flow into something new has been such a great learning. Now I can better see that something ending creates capacity for the new to enter. And that the “holding on” while it is a strength, can also inhibit the natural flow of life and relationships unless I’m paying attention to what’s being called for. I’m particularly learning to enjoy the natural restfulness of the “neutral period” and to harness life’s openings to recuperate and restore.

As we move into winter and another year of Living, bringing rituals into the process of letting go, just as we do when we celebrate something new, can help us make peace with these events emotionally and psychologically. Can you identify endings that need to be allowed? Perhaps you might begin by looking around your home and seeing what you can let go of. Or write a letter that doesn’t get sent to the person you need to forgive – especially if they are no longer available to speak with. Or, identify a belief or quality that is overused in your life that may be keeping you from moving forward.

As you look forward to 2012, I encourage you to make this the best year of your Life!

With care,

Terri